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this is one of the worse xmas ever. i have never felt so alone on xmas. even tho i had spend xmas alone by myself before,this xmas i was lonely. was out drinking with some frds.usually on xmas, if i go out drinking i will not stopped tile like 6 am.this year,i left at 1ish and reached home at 2am.

new years party is coming up next.:(

i feel so depress on this xmas eve.depression is usually a good thing,but not this time. i actually know what i m depress about.i dun like to be alone, never liked to be alone when i have someone.this festive season, i m gonna be alone, in fact i m more or less alone the whole of Dec 05.i do not know what to do with so much time in my hand. so i decided to do things to occupy my time. went to do a tattoo that i have always wanted to do. from so many years ago.i really wish she was there to take my mind off the pain when i was getting it done.all i had was just thoughts of her, i keep thinking of her whenever the pain was too much to bear.

this morning when i saw her the pix that i took.she was shocked and said she likes it but commented that it was too loud,too big,too permanent!she said i shud have consulted her 1st over something this big.i wished to God that i had the luxury of consulting her. i miss her.and i m doing my best to deal with not having her here with me in this season of love and giving.please cut me some slack.

woke up at 9ish am on saturday morning.had less than 5 hrs of sleep after another drunkard nite out.too much bacardi and marlboros.
walked to the bowl, peed and flushed. then squatted down to wait for the puke to come.puked.twice.
i have not puked after drinking for a long time.6-7 years maybe. i only remember puking something like twice before. and those were when i was much younger and drinking like a Fucking fish.i remembered once when i opened up the door of the moving cab and puked rite outta the moving cab.thru a opened car door.that was my birthday, i think 21 or 22?i had so much to drink its not even funny.
anyways back to saturday.i think i got woken up by the need to puke more than the need to pee.i felt so sick b4 i puked, and i felt so sick after i puked.i decided i needed a change, i needed to do something.to change something.
i decided to stop smoking and drinking. lets see i stick to that!

been on anti-biotics for the past 2 weeks now, started with a simple 25mg dosage of one pill and escalated into 6 pills of 100mg dose....now i finally why hospitals smell the way they do. the pills makes your pill stink,makes your breath stink. even when u sweat, u smell like medicine!!!!!

was supposed to finish the whole course, but i got sick of the pills this morning.Fuckit,i will stop as and when i like. which is today!!!!why the fuck shud i take any more pills when i m alrite already. and if later years theres side effect, lemme Fucking deal with it!!!